Birds, Bees, and Old Friends
by Nessarie
Summary: [Oneshot] After finding a note written by Harry to a certain girl, Sirius misinterprates it and decides to give Harry the dreaded Birds and Bees talk.


**Ness:** Hello all! This is just another attempt at one of those pathetic one chapter stories. I know most of you want chapter 13 of _The Pull of a Full Moon_ but I'm sort of stuck in traffic on that road. It's not that I don't know what I want to write, it's that I don't know how to introduce Lauren. Anywhoo, this was inspired by **Alphie**'s _Quidditch Anyone?_ fic. Personally, I never got "The Talk." My grandparents just put me in front of the TV and turned on Discovery Channel. Anywhoo, after I read **Alphie**'s fic I started wondering how Harry really would get "The Talk." So, here's my own little version.

**Rating:** PG

Birds, Bees, and Old Friends 

Remus Lupin was once again teaching as DADA teacher. After rumor spread that Mad-Eye Moody had been attacked on the job, nobody would take it. When Remus was asked once again to take the job, he accepted. Although he said the only reason he was taking it was because he wanted to be with his wife, Ness (**A/N:** how many of you knew I was going to do that?), who was subbing for Snape while he was doing his DE work, it was really because he missed the job and the kids a lot. He had never been happier doing any of the other jobs he had had. Sirius (in his Animagus form) was hidden from view behind the desk. His excuse for staying at Hogwarts was to keep an eye on Harry, Ron, and Hermione ("They're turning out to be just like us when we were their age! Do you remember how much trouble we got in?" he had said.). This was partly true, but the fact that he had a roof over his head was also a good excuse. At the moment Remus was teaching the Fifth year Gryffindor's and Ravenclaw's.

"So, who can tell me about the connection betweens Orcs and Elves?" To nobody's surprise, Hermione's hand shot strait up in the air.

"Hermione, why don't you let someone else have a chance?" Remus asked, fighting back a smile. Hermione lowered her hand looking put out. "Anyone else?" Ron raised his hand slowly. "Yes, Ron?"

"Orcs are connected to Elves because they are Elves. Well, sort of. When the Dark Lord Sauron was in power he would torture Elves until they became dark, evil, and ugly."

"Very good," said Remus, looking surprised. Ron hardly ever knew the answer to one of his questions.

Ron shrugged, "My dad made me read _The Lord of the Rings_."

"I see," Remus replied, inwardly laughing. Just then the bell rang for lunch. After every one had left Sirius transformed back into human form.

"You know, I learn more now then I did when I was in Fifth Year," he said. "Why do they need to know the connection between Elves and Orcs anyway?"

"I have no idea," Remus replied. Just then Ness walked in. She was reading a note that seemed to be hurriedly scribbled out. "What's that?"

"It's a note I confiscated from Ginny Weasley. I think you had better take a look at it, Sirius," she said handing it over to him. Sirius took it, looking thoroughly puzzled. As he read it his eyes grew wide.

"Oh no…" he said, going pale. "No, no, no, no, no…"

"What's it say?" Remus asked, curious as to why Sirius was so upset. Sirius cleared his throat and began to read:

_Dear Ginny,_

I'll meet you at eight at my dorm, k? No one will be there then so no one will bother us. See you later!

_-Harry_

"Uh-oh…" Remus said, going pale as well. "You're going to have to talk to him."

"Me?!" Sirius asked, looking horrified. "I can't give "The Talk". That's a dangerous conversation, right there. I can't do that."

"You are his Godfather," Ness pointed out. Sirius shot a glare at her.

"And what would I say?" he asked.

"I'm sure you can think of something," Remus said, grinning.

Sirius snorted, "Yeah right."

XxX~*~XxX

          A few hours later Sirius was nervously trying to think of what to say. He had slipped a note to Harry telling him to meet him in the DADA classroom at  seven thirty. Just then the door creaked slowly open.

"Hi Sirius," Harry said, closing the door behind his and smiling at his Godfather.

"Hi Harry," he replied, trying not to sound too nervous.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked noting the shaky tone in Sirius' voice

"Nothing. Just wanted to talk to you about something important," Sirius replied, taking a deep breath.

"Uh-oh, what did I do?" Harry asked, looking equally nervous.

"Nothing…yet." _Oh gosh, how am I supposed to put this?_

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Harry," Sirius began, "girls are like Birds."

"Oh no…" Harry mumbled, going red and putting his head in his hand.

"Listen to me Harry. This is very important." _Might as well get this over with._ "Now where was I? Oh yes, girls are like Birds and the boys are like Bees. Now sometimes a Bird will do all kinds of things for a certain Bee to sting her, but that doesn't mean that the Bee has to sting her before he comes of age. The number one reason is because something might happen and the Bird might…er…lay an egg, if you know what I mean." Harry was almost as red as a tomato, but he was also shaking with silent laughter. _Well, at least **someone** is amused by all this._ "The second reason is, that the Daddy-Bird won't be too happy with the Bee for stinging his Daughter-Bird. Believe me, you _do not_ want to anger the Daddy-Bird."

"If guys are Bees how can there be a Daddy-Bird?" Harry asked, looking amused.

"Don't confuse me, Harry. This is hard enough all ready," Sirius said. "Anyway, I think that's about it. Just remember, no stinging until _after_ you're married. Buzzing is okay, but no stinging, got it?"

Harry nodded, and got up to leave. As the door closed Ness and Remus came toppling out from the closet, laughing hysterically.

"The Birds and the Bees approach," Remus said approvingly as he got up. Ness was still rolling around on the floor, laughing. "Very well thought of."

"Oh, shut up," Sirius said. "I'm going to bed."

XxX~*~XxX

Later that night…

~||Dream||~

          **_Where am I?_**_ Sirius thought, looking around at his surroundings. **I think I've fallen into a giant cotton candy spinner…** Everything around him seemed to be pink and fluffy. As he turned around, he spotted Remus ten feet away._

_"Remus!" he yelled, sprinting over to him. Remus looked somewhat surprised to see him._

_"I didn't think anyone else was here," he said as Sirius stopped in front of him._

_"Me neither," Sirius replied. "Do you know where we are?"_

_"I think we're Dream Hopping," Remus said thoughtfully. "I think we must have Hopped into one of Ness' dreams. Everything's **pink**."_

_"You aren't Dream Hopping," said a familiar voice behind them. It sounded somewhat amused. "You aren't even dreaming."_

_          They spun around to see who was speaking and were left speechless at the sight of the person in front of them._

_"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost," James Potter said, giving a wry grin._

_"J-James?" Sirius said, finally getting his voice back._

_"This is impossible," Remus said, voicing what Sirius was thinking._

_James laughed, "No, it's not. Although you can't mention this to anyone. I'm not really supposed to bring Mortals here, but I wanted to talk to you guys."_

_"You mean, we're not dead?" Sirius asked, nervously._

_James laughed again, "No. If you were dead you would be in one of the longest waiting lines of all time. Anyway, come with me."_

_          James led them to a place with a large pond. The water seemed not like water but more like the stuff that was inside Dumbledore's Pensive._

_"This has got to be a dream," Sirius said. "This **can not** be happening." He reached down and pinched his leg. **It hurt!** It wasn't a dream! **This is really weird…**_

_"Believe me now?" James asked. Sirius nodded, dazed._

_"Okay, so how is all this possible?" Remus asked, looking pale._

_"I can't tell you. There isn't enough time," James said, looking around nervously to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. "Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for looking after Harry for me."_

_"We can't replace you though," Sirius said sadly._

_James shook his head, "No, you can't. But you're coming awfully close. And Ness is going to be a great mother."_

_Remus' eye's widened, "What do you mean?"_

_"Oops," James said, a sly grin coming over his face. "I think I've said too much." Remus seemed to have become speechless._

_"Anyway, I heard the Birds and Bees conversation, Sirius," James continued, fighting back a laugh._

_"Oh no…" Sirius said, going red. "I bet you were just laughing your halo off, weren't you?"_

_"Yes, actually," James replied, laughing a little, "but mostly because you were giving him a talk that he didn't **need**."_

_"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, looking confused._

_"Look," James said and waved his hand over the pond._

_          The water began to ripple changing from the reflection of a bright blue sky to a scene of the Fifth Year Boy's Dormitories. Ginny Weasley was sitting at the desk with a pile of books in front of her. From the corner Harry stepped into view and sat down beside Ginny. As Ginny started to speak it was as if her voice was echoing._

_"What took you so long, Harry?" she asked._

_"Sirius and I had a …er… talk," he replied. Sirius blushed a little at the memory._

_"About what?" Ginny asked, looking curious._

_"Let's just say, I will never look at birds or bees in the same way ever again," he said._

_"Neither will I," Remus added, finally getting over the shock of what James had told him._

_Ginny giggled, "Why didn't you just tell him the truth, that you were helping me with the 4th year exams?"_

_Sirius' jaw dropped and Remus laughed. James just smiled amusedly._

_"I was too embarrassed I couldn't say anything," Harry said, "but at least it's over. Now, let's work on your Transfiguration…"_

_          The scene faded and the water rippled again. A moment later the reflection of the sky was back._

_"You see?" James said, fighting the urge to laugh._

_"You mean, I gave that talk for nothing?" Sirius asked, looking embarrassed._

_"At least you got it over with,"  Remus said._

_"And now, we've got to say good-bye," James said sadly._

_"What?!" Remus and Sirius said at the same time._

_"James, we've only just got here!" Sirius argued, reluctant to leave his best friend so soon._

_"It may seem that way here, but on Earth it's been all night. It will be dawn soon. Don't worry. We will see each other again," James said, looking very sad. He waved his hind over them and James began to fade from their view._

"James, wait!" Remus shouted. His voice seemed to echo as if he were in a large cavern. Before he said what he wanted to, darkness engulfed them and they knew no more.

~||End Dream||~

"James!" Remus said, his eyes snapping open, and his breathing heavy. He looked around and he noticed he was in his bed and Ness was next to him with a startled look on her face.

"Remus, are you okay?" she asked, looking concerned.

He didn't answer her right away, but after a while said, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just – just a weird dream. That's all."

"Okay…" she said slowly. "We should be getting up anyway."

In Sirius' Room 

          Sirius' eyes snapped open and he noticed that his breathing was very heavy. _What a **weird** dream! I must have been really embarrassed yesterday to dream a dream like that._ He slowly got up and got dressed. He met Ness and Remus in the living room. Since they were married and were both teaching there they got to have one of those Multi-Roomed Teachers rooms. Complete with bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living room, and two extra bedrooms (**A/N:** Just thought I'd explain all that). As he entered the room, he noticed that Remus was lost in thought.

"I had the weirdest dream last night," Sirius said, feeling as if he didn't talk about it, it would bug him all day."

"Me too," Remus replied, looking up at Sirius.

"Was it about…James?" Sirius asked hesitantly.

"Yeah!" Remus said, his eyes widening.

"Boy, am I glad I didn't eat whatever you guys had," Ness said, looking nervously between the two.

"It was real, Ness," Remus said, looking excited.

"Yeah, we were transported to heaven! It was all pink and fluffy. I thought I fell into a giant cotton candy spinner," Sirius said.

"Oh?" Ness said, looking suspicious. "If it was so real, then I'm sure you've got some proof, right?"

Remus thought a moment then sighed and put his hands in his pockets. As he slipped his hand in his right pocket he felt a piece of parchment that he was sure wasn't there before. He slowly pulled it out and read it over and then grinned.

"Can we name the baby Kaylee?" he asked, grinning slyly.

"Well, sure if it's a g – Hey! How did you know about that? I haven't told anyone yet!" Ness looked thoroughly amazed.

"James told us," Sirius said, grinning as well.

"Oh my God…" Ness said, still looking shocked. "That is so weird…"

XxX~*~XxX

**Ness:** Yes, I know it wasn't as funny as **Alphie**'s, but I tend to write more on the serious side then the humor side. I thought it was cool, though. Please review!


End file.
